Baptism

So, next Saturday I’ll be taking the plunge.

Despite having been a Christian for years, I’ve never actually been baptized.  I came close a few times but things didn’t line up, and ultimately, I wasn’t ready.  I’ve been a lukewarm Christian until recently so it’s appropriate that now, when I’m finally on fire for God and not content with lukewarm faith, I get to take the plunge in the freeeeeeezing Pacific ocean.

Next Saturday I will be finally making the commitment that I’ve shied away from in the past.

It’s different now.  I’m different now.  I haven’t been playing it safe, I’ve been learning not to hold back, I’ve been out as a Christian and I’ve been making my relationship with God the center of my life. Now I’m making a public declaration of my faith.  I’m committing my life in a new and powerful way.   I’m excited.  I’m scared.  I’m nervous. My beloved brother is going with me which means more to me than I can tell him.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will emerge from the ocean a new woman.  I have been reborn and recommitted in many ways throughout the years.  I’ve been undergoing a serious rebirth for the last year and I know this is the latest step in this amazing journey.  I have no doubt that it’s the perfect time, God’s perfect time, for me to participate in this ritual, in this declaration of faith that ties me across centuries to the mothers and fathers of my faith.

Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.
For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection,  Romans 6:3-5

I know I will emerge a new woman and I thank God for all the transformations he has been orchestrating in my life this last year.  I know he has been preparing me to receive love beyond comprehension and blessings beyond belief.  I know he has been preparing me to receive healing, a powerful healing that goes beyond my physical body to find all those broken place where I need God the most.  The places where human love has failed me I know are ready to receive God and be filled with his grace and mercy and his amazing love.  Where human love has wounded me I know God will pour out his love and he will mend my broken places.  I know he has been preparing me for ministry, no matter how much I’ve run from him I don’t want to run any more.  I know he is preparing me to be used as his hands and feet.  And I’m ready now.  I’m ready to be God’s love song and to hear his melody in the wind.  I’m ready to receive him more each day and to share his love in new ways.

The Lord your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Is that not an amazing thing to consider?  God will rejoice over ME with singing?  Over me?  With all my failures, with all my weakness, despite all the moments where I’ve been entirely lacking in faithfulness, where I’ve been unkind, where I have denied my God and myself, and still God rejoices over ME.   When I’ve been completely unable to love myself, God has not just loved me but delighted in me!!!   That is amazing.  Do you hear God singing to you?  Do you hear God’s song whispering in your ear?

 

 

Seeing God

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them” Exodus 20:4-5

 

I have been doing some interesting studying on the Ten Commandments and some really great new ways of understanding the message and the second one has in a roundabout way to this new project: Seeing God.

While some interpretations see this commandment focus narrowly on the prohibition against any kind of imagery, ranging from religious art depicting the sacred to the image of the cross, and going to the extreme as a prohibition against any kind of artistic representation of, well, anything.  But it’s so much more complicated than that.  I understand this commandment, like many of the others, to be about not trying to reduce God to our human understanding.  As preacher Marcos Witt put it in one podcast I listened to, if we portray God as the fierce soaring eagle, then we miss the tender lamb.  For any image we select we are missing a million others.

It goes beyond the problematic issue of portraying God in human form which is never devoid of social context and is limited by our exclusive categories and our either/ors.

God is not male or female, but in imagery and in language we are restricted by the binary when God is so much more.

God is so much more than anything we can conceive, perceive or imagine.  And yet we try.

We try to understand God through our limited means, as we should.  We try to come closer by embracing paradoxes, by embracing miracles, by expecting glory.  Even the understanding of God’s love is mindblowing.  And yet I live in God’s love.  And I use my paltry language to approximate the wonder.  And I lift my voice in song, knowing that for every beautiful chord we form there are sounds are ears can’t even hear lifting up praises to God’s name.  And I see God’s beauty and God’s love and stand in wonder.

So, while I wouldn’t attempt to limit God to any one image, I went out on a walk with my brand new camera to look for God.  I had praise music blasting on my ipod and I could barely move a few feet without finding new faces of God.  So my new project, is showing some of the places I especially see God.  Some of the things that show me God’s love daily.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;

night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language

where their voice is not heard.

Their voice goes out into all the earth,

their words to the ends of the world.

Psalm 19: 1-4

Gratitude, blessings, praise

This past Sunday we had a special service at church.  We did away with the traditional structure and focused on gratitude and praise and fellowship with a fantastic potluck.

I was blessed to hear everyone share what they feel gratitude for.  I was blessed by the opportunity to sing with the praise team and lift my voice to God.  And to share as well.

I am so very grateful.  To say that God is good is an understatement of cosmic proportions and a cliche to boot!

And today, I woke up with a smile on my face as I often do and a song in my heart for my God.  It’s like God wakes me up with a soft kiss on my forehead and I can’t help but smile at his mercy, his grace, his abundant love for me, his tenderness, his humor.  And today I realized I am finally in the place I’ve been striving to reach for so long.

One of the things I shared in Church was that I am grateful that God is teaching me how to receive.  It has taken me a long time to learn that.  It was hard enough to learn how to ask, but to learn how to receive, that I can’t receive unless I have open arms and the willingness in my spirit.  God is teaching me.
Today I received what may prove to be the most amazing gift of my life.  I have forgiven.  I am free.  I have come to an understanding and I can let go of some major areas of pain and hurt because I am loved, I have been loved, I will be loved.  I forgave her this morning.  I was in a roomful of kids and fortunately the lights were dimmed in the theatre so I could hide the tears.  I forgave except I didn’t do anything but ask God, then ask again, then continue asking and it’s God that handed me the gift of forgiveness.  I’m still scared that it won’t stick.  I’m still scared that I might give up my power.  But I have no power, it’s all God.  All glory to God.

There are a few people in my life that I am now free of.

I am free by the grace of God.  He didn’t give me the gift of love just to watch me hang on to pain.  I am clinging to Him instead now.

So, if you happen upon this blog, yes, I’ve forgiven you.  I don’t want you anywhere near my life.  But I forgive you and I pray God’s blessings upon your life today.  I honor the moments when we loved.

I am grateful for every way in which God shows me love.

By the people He has brought into my life.  And those He has taken out of my life.

By the beauty that surrounds me, the sights, sounds, smells, signs of God’s love.

I am grateful for the courage He has given me to not be satisfied with lukewarm.  To not be a surface believer but to dig deep and explore the places where hurt lingers and fear hides.

I am grateful for the family I was born into and the family I have chosen.

I am grateful for my apartment where I’m able to offer my hospitality to others.

I am grateful for my gift of song and being able to offer it to God weekly.

I am grateful for the work I do in the community.

I am so very thankful for my health for my hope and my courage.

I am thankful for a few specific people:

R for bringing amazing people into my life

C for being there for me through so much

C for being my brother and for praying with and for me

D because I was finally able to share laughter with him

C for new adventures to come

B for being someone I can call at 3AM and who can make me laugh at my pirate patch

C for being the reason I connected with ODM

 

I think Happy suits me.

 

Praise the Lord

Give thanks to the LORD for he is good;

his love endures forever.

Psalm 106:1

 

Song of the Day

I’m part of the worship team at my church and music is definitely an area of ministry for me.  These lyrics really spoke to me today:

All of the Words

by Kutless

How do I speak of the indescribable to You

I will try to explain these feelings that are true
So looking to the sky I will sing and from my heart to You I bring

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship
I worship You

In your presence I forever choose to live
I will praise You for it’s all I have to give
So looking to the sky I will sing and from my heart to You I bring

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship

By Your grace You let me come talk to You
It’s not that I’m worthy I thank you Jesus
For the love that You have shown

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship

With all of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship
I worship You

Taking Back Christ

Any other dykes or feminists remember Taking Back the Night activities, rallies, candlelight vigils?  It was such a powerful movement.  For those who don’t remember the premise was that we, as females (and/or women)  and hence as targets of violence, sexual assault, misogyny, homophobia, racism, etc., were  making a commitment to keeping each other safe, and that we were taking over the nights in a symbolic gesture declaring our victory over violence and fear.  The movement included vigils for our fallen sisters.  It included brigades that would walk people home from the bars.  It included activism and education.  It included self-defense classes and self-assertiveness training.

That was powerful.

I am ready to begin a reclaiming even more powerful and necessary.

I am ready to declare victory over fanatical conservatism, over judgment and literalism.

I am, and have been, speaking out to Take Back Christ.

I am sick and fucking tired of speaking to my community and having Christian be associated with hate, with bigotry, with homophobia.  I am sick and tired of the face of MY GOD being people preaching exclusion in the name of Christ.

I am sick and tired of it.  That is not the God I know.  That is not the God who formed in the womb, who made me and knew me before I was even conceived.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart”   Jer 1:5

That is not the God who loved me so much, loved ME loudmouthed irreverent latina dyke, ME enough to send His son to die not so that I would feel guilty, not so that I could see how evil and badwrong I am but so that through Christ, through his life, through his death and through his resurrection I would know love, I would know glory, I would know VICTORY.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,^[f] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  John 3:16-17

I am sick and tired of the name of God being taken in VAIN to such an extent that now it has become synonymous with intolerance.  God’s name has been dragged through the mud by those who claim an exclusive right to it and now instead of meaning love, beauty, bounty, relationship, amazing glory and majesty and WOW! it means damnation, it means judgment it evokes prejudice instead of acceptance, it evokes fear instead of comfort.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Phil 2:1-11

Oh I am angry.  I am angry because that kind of thinking, that judgmental and condemning rhetoric, keeps people from God, from knowing Him as He (Ze) wants us to know Him.  God isn’t the pretty sparkly picture of a santa claus-like deity all white and shiny.  God is so much more.  God isn’t sitting on  a cloud with a checklist where he can tally off all the ways in which we fuck up.  God doesn’t care that I just used what we consider curse words and His name in the same sentence (soon I’ll remember to blog on Jesus and his cussin’).  God is so much bigger than we let him be.  Christ is so much more glorious that we allow him to be.

The name of Christ has become threatening and unsafe for so many people.

I just pray that I may be a reflection of his name.  That I may be the human shield that gives people safe passage back home.  I hope God allows me to be that light that shines on the path and that witness. It is high time we took back Christ.

I heard a commentary today on the religious right asking “where is the religious left??” Right here baby!

God does not belong to the conservatives.  We all belong to God.

God does not belong to homophobes.  God loves them too.  God loves us all.

In Christ we can be FULLY WHO WE ARE.

In Christ we can be compassionate, and loving, and joyful, and blessed.

I used to give away my power, I used to hide from the name of Jesus because I didn’t want to be associated with the bigots.  I am not giving them my power.  My power belongs to God only who is the source of all glory and honor and to him be the praise.  I’m taking back Christ.  Will you join me?

Prayer Partners Ministry

The following is adapted from the notice in the church news.  I’ll be cross-posting some of the prayer resources I share as I go.  As always prayers and support are welcome!  I’m looking forward to this new adventure!

ODM Prayer Partners

It is said that when we work, we work but when we pray GOD works.  Prayer is our opportunity to put our trust in God and let Him work in our lives.  Here are a couple of reminders about what God’s word teaches us about prayer:

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord.” - Jer 29:11-14

“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” – Col 4:2

If you’d like to add some zest to your prayer life, to connect with God and His people in new and exciting ways, then we’d like to invite you to participate in our exciting new ministry: ODM Prayer Partners!  Special thanks to Christianqueergrrl for developing this exciting new ministry!

What is a prayer partner?  A prayer partner is:

• Someone to pray with
• Someone to praise with
• Someone to help you stay accountable for your prayer practice, daily devotions, etc.
• Someone new you can connect with that you might not have sought out otherwise
• Someone to keep you involved and connected even when you can’t make it to Sunday services
• Someone to partner with in praying for the needs of our congregation and our pastoral search
• Someone to promote your growth in and through prayer

Sound like someone you want in your life?  If so, this is the perfect opportunity for you.  Please join us!

The process is simple: Sign up by answering a few quick questions.  You’ll be paired up with a prayer partner and you’ll have six weeks to share the awesomeness of prayer together!

Your commitment:  You will make a commitment to your prayer partner to share time in prayer twice a week for six weeks.  This can be on the phone, in person, through online chat, whatever works for you and your schedules.

We’ll have opportunities to connect as a group and celebrate our commitment to growing in our prayer life.  Thea will also be available as a resource to you and she will provide you with weekly ideas, suggestions, scriptures or songs that you may find useful or inspiring in your prayer practice with your prayer partner.

To sign up please answer the following questions and email christianqueergrrl by October 8^th.

If you don’t feel this is something you can participate in right now, we humbly request that you support us with your prayers.

Thank you!  We look forward to hearing from many of you and starting on this new and exciting prayer adventure.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 15:13

Sin

I have a complicated relationship with the concept of sin.

No, I’m not trying to be a feel good, cafeteria style Christian who says there is no sin.  That would be UNcomplicated.

I did not grow up in a Christian household.  I grew up in a dysfunctional agnostic/atheist household where religion was viewed with contempt and mockery.  My exposure to Christianity came from little friends who would invite me to church up until 2nd grade when we moved back to Puerto Rico.  Then, I was enrolled in a Mennonite private school.  Funny.

It was radically different from the school I was coming from, with sports, with enrichment activities, with plays and chorus, with music class and playgrounds.  Everything was drastically different.  But the least of it was the religious aspect.  I had religion class where I learned John 3:16 without having a context or real idea of what God or Jesus or Love really meant.  I’d been to church a few times but I didn’t know all the backstory.   I learned things like not stealing, things like not lying.  Not that much of a reach I mean it’s not like I grew up immoral.

Then came the foreign part.  I think it was related to holy week but I can’t swear to it.  What I remember was crossing the yard which also doubled as makeshift baseball field and the one time in my life I hit a ball, but that’s anotha story… so I remember going across the school to an unfamiliar building where people were talking about this sin stuff.  My friends were all emotionally distraught.  They were weeping.  And I, being the empathetic little soul that I was went up to them to see what was wrong, were they okay? What did they do to you in there?  How can I help?
My friends told me they were crying because of their sins.  They felt so bad for their sins.

I asked the unaskable question: “Que quiere decir pecado?” “What does sin mean?”

I really didn’t know.

My friends were shocked but they also decided that I was s good and so pure that I was free of sin.  I was an innocent.  Then they explained the concept in rudimentary elementary school terms and I was inclined to concur.  I had never experienced distress like theirs.  I couldn’t really think of anything I’d done that was so bad I had to repent for.

For years my idea of sin remained rather stereotypical and rudimentary.  I still remember one year when I went to some Catholic youth retreat and I went to confession.  I hadn’t had my first communion or baptism or any of the other rites so I wasn’t really technically sposta be doing the whole confession thing.  But really, I lived in a Catholic culture, I knew the ropes.  And even then, in the midst of religious furor and a frenzy of youthful guilt and religious ecstasy, I couldn’t really think of anything I had to confess to the dude.

So, for a long time I didn’t believe in sin.  And I still don’t in the stereotypical way.  I don’t believe that God is a scorekeeping God and I don’t believe in any punishment for sins.

Sin is anything that separates me from God.

No one else can define what sin is in my life.  It’s between me and God.

Sin is anything that keeps me from fully experiencing God’s love, from being in right relationship with God.  Sin is whatever stands between me and my experience of the sacred.

Some things that other people experience as sin to me are inconsequential.  And some things that other people experience as normal and healthy to me becomes sin.

And sin is something that I confess only in the sense that I pray about it and talk to God about it.  My prayers are often rather informal when I’m alone (yes, I’ve been known to refer to God as ‘dude’ from time to time and then in a few breaths as Abba, that’s just how I roll).  And all it takes is naming whatever it is that I”m engaging in that is a block for me and I get that much closer to freedom.

Mind you, God loves me no matter how bad I mess up.  God’s love for me is unchanging.  But my ability to accept God’s love, to revel in God’s love, to roll around in it and feel it squish between my toes, that ability is affected by sin.  When I’m doing shitty things I have an impulse to hide from God.  And shitty is defined according to MY unique integrity.  It may not be the same as anyone else’s version of shitty and that’s okay.  So yeah, it’s about my ability, comfort, and willingness to extend my hand and reach for God.

Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.  Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.  If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God.  If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.  To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever.  Amen.

IPeter 4:7-11

http://www.cooks.com/rec/search/0,1-0,chocolate_peanut_butter_balls,FF.html

I forgive you

I am really hunkered down and working hard at growing in a few areas of my life and my walk.  So, I’m working through two books right now:  R.T. Kendall’s Revised and Updated Total Forgiveness: When Everything in You Wants to Hold a Grudge, Point a Finger, and Remember the Pain–Remember God Wants You to Lay it Aside.

And… Cloud and Townsend’s Safe People: How to Find Relationships that Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t.

When I say work I mean work.  I’ve been praying through sections, crying through others, writing scripture in the margins, or arguing in the margins, cross referencing and really striving to learn what God is wanting me to hear right now.

One thing I”m especially struggling with is FORGIVENESS.

See, I’m actually pretty forgiving in life now.  I do reasonably well on the forgiveness thing.

I get reaaaaallllly close to that “total’ forgiveness.  I start to feel it, like a change in temperature, a physical feeling of moving into a different space.  I push through.  I glide through.  I slide on in.  I try to settle into that feeling.  Try to occupy that new place in me.  Stay there a while.  Plant a garden of love and blessings and forgiveness and light.   I try to apply what I’m learning and sweeten that bitterness in me that displeases the Lord, and well, displeases ME too!

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.Ephesians 4:30-31

I get there and I sit with new feelings and new ways of seeing myself and the people I’m striving to forgive.

And then… ugh.  Then I try to picture telling this one person “I forgive you,”  just typing this in relation to her makes me shudder, just the thought of it makes my stomach tighten into knots and the Grudge Boulder falls back on me squishing me down yet again.  (When I journaled about this I actually drew the boulder squishing of course!).

So yeah.  I haven’t made it that far.

Her name along with the words  “I forgive you” makes me want to throw up.

Most of the other people who have hurt me I can visualize saying this.

I know one person who could call me right now and I could answer the phone saying “I forgive you. I love you.  I pray for you. I wish you love and light and abundant blessings and the joy of the Lord.” I truly feel it.  The hurt was owie but I’ve forgiven her completely.  Totally even.

Another person who terribly wounded me in the past (I’m not being cryptic, I’ve learned from R.T.Kendall not to mention the stories, not to continue to drag it out with no purpose) and him I can also visualize saying those words.  “I forgive you ___.”

Some people I can see telling them but I also know, learning from Cloud and Townsend, that I cannot have reconciliation with them.  It just isn’t possible right now.  No ill will.  Love them, truly wish them well but I know they cannot participate in my life.

So how do I get to that place with the one person I can’t seem to get past…

^“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

I want that.  I want to be know as His disciple and a good Witness.  I want to be that person but I am so scared!

Heavenly Father,

You who forgave all my sins, all my slips, all my silly willful moments, my not so white lies, my losses of hope, my worry, my self-doubt, my arrogance, my sharp tongue, my harsh judgments, my lack of gentleness with myself, the moments where I’m not my best self, You who know me and love me

please Father

help me to speak those words in my heart to her “I forgive you” and reach peace.  Help me to forgive her Lord not just on the surface, not just from afar, but through to my very core.

That instead of the moments where I catch myself wishing her ill, a long life facing mountains of lies dealing with remorse, unloved, unlovable…

Instead Lord help me to remember the truth that she is your child, your beloved child, and you love her. You love her God.  You love her.

And so once did I.

Bless her Father and help me Lord to let go, to forgive her, to surrender to Your will and Your commandment to love above all and to forgive.

Help me Lord to trust You, help You my unbelief when I hold on to grudges out of fear of being hurt again, instead of holding Your hand and trusting You to see me through.  Father help me to trust You, help You my unbelief when I come up against those walls I’ve built up to keep me safe Father help me to tear them down and bare my all to You who see me anyway, and You love me anyway.

You hurt for both of us.  You bless both of us.  You don’t take sides.  I don’t have to worry that You will turn from me, that You will forsake me, that You will condemn me.  Father Your forgiveness is mine.  Your forgiveness is hers.  Help me to get to that place God of peace and forgiveness.  I refuse to let her actions from the past continue to hurt me by MY choice to hold on.  And I refuse to let my grudge keep me distant from You.

Thank You Father because my heart is not too hard to hurt, because I have the courage to shed these tears and continue to try to do right, obey Your commands, and be a reflection of Your love.

In Jesus’ sweet name that bought redemption, forgiveness and restores my joy,

Amen

Please join me in prayer

My friend is scheduled for surgery 9/9 and it’s an issue she’s been struggling with for a long time.  She has a number of health challenges right now and I know she gets discouraged and struggles with the emotional impact of being limited in her daily activities.  I love her dearly, she is my family.

I get to play nurse while she recovers and I thank God for the opportunity to support and be of service.  I thank God for a successful procedure.  And I praise His name for healing and grace on my friend.  I know His hand is on her, His hand is on her doctors and will be there guiding every move.  His healing power will give her blessed relief.

Please join me in praying for my friend and praising God for what He is already doing in her life!  Every step is headed in the direction of healing and wholeness.  He will renew and restore her.  He is working wonders in her body, spirit, mind, heart.  Thank you Lord for my wonderful friend and for holding her in the palm of Your hand.

He is the father of us all. ¹⁷As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.”He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. Romans 4:16-17

Opportunities for Prayer

I have discovered a new way to redefine my experiences.

I no longer face challenges: I face opportunities for prayer.

I’ve caught myself doing this a lot lately, to the point where it’s close to automatic.  So, instead of getting frustrated, instead of acting out of irritation, I stop.  I take a deep breath.  And I invite God.

Sometimes it’s an actual articulated prayer.  Someone speaking is saying things I don’t care for so I ask God to show me what it is I need to hear.  Presto! Blammo!  Attention off me and back to God speaking through someone.

Or it’s a group of people descending upon me with a million demands before I’m sufficiently caffeinated or fed.  Instead of just being crabby I stop, I take a deep breath and I ask God to make me a blessing and a reflection of God’s love.  Lo! And Behold!  I’m acting with grace and compassion again.

I’m trying to take these opportunities and to be fully present, fully in the moment, and offer each moment to God.

The difficulty in living this way is that I find myself feeling more sensitive, feeling more authentic, but also more vulnerable as I go deeper and deeper into my faith.  I feel strangely naked even as I’m clothed with God’s armour and dressed in God’s Love.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Eph 6:12-13

Yes Lord!  I want that!  I want that, ‘after I have done everything, to stand.’  I don’t want to be beaten down or timid.  I want to be victorious for God.  And as a Victorious Queergrrl, God’s Victorious Queergrrl, I know that I can’t let the frustrations that are thrown my way, or even the moments of heartache and pain, I can’t let any of it steal my joy, I can not allow it to stop me or to distract me from my walk.  So, now I react to things as opportunities for prayer.  I can chose: I can get frustrated or I can grow in faith.

Mind you, praying doesn’t necesarily remove the frustration or anger or sadness or whatever undesired emotion I am feeling.  I may be just as sad after praying but the difference is that I shared my sadness with God, now God can stroke my hair, God can dry my tears and God can have the space to start the work of healing.  I may remain angry but then God will show me a way to act, to move, to create change.  Or I may come to realize that the situation is not of God and there is no point fussin’ and fightin’ so I can just move on out.

I like spending time in prayer.  I feel like I am growing and given the silly little daily frustations that are built into the reality of riding public transportation I am going to become quite a prayer warrior!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,  in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. I Thes 5:16-22