I survived my first semester in seminary.
This is an amazing journey.
My first semester was a difficult transition. Settling into the identity of religious scholarship and leadership was not an easy transition for me. I was still kicking and screaming and wrestling with the loss of power and identity that this process entails. I struggle with the responsibility, with the misconceptions, with the newness… I struggle with surrender!
I moved to a new place that I have found less culturally warm than I had wished and has often left me longing for a sense of community. It is also a beautiful place. I am lulled to sleep by the yipping and howling of the coyotes and the melodic hooting of the owls—a welcome change from the incessant noise of the freeway I’ve lived with elsewhere. I have a wonderful little apartment and I have the chance to live alone for the first time in many years. I have been blessed with gifts of furniture and housewares and have a home for me and my Romeow kitteh that is warm and welcoming, where friends join us for meals, fellowship, and study groups.
I dealt with some health issues that were frustrating and scary as I am still navigating new place, new relationships. But, I found caring and compassionate professionals who have been an important asset and instruments of healing in my life.
I dealt with a major depressive episode and it has been one of the best things that could have happened to me. I have been able to receive counseling and support services and have started doing some really important healing work with professionals I trust. I am finally taking care of myself instead of focusing all my care outward. It has been a blessing to be able to make space for my own healing and growth.
I experienced the loss of a relationship that was important to me and in which I had invested a great deal of care and attention. I also experienced the loss of my church denomination as I came to realize that in order to fully embrace my call I would need to leave the United Methodist Church.
And yet, with all these challenges, I managed to have a great semester. I earned As and A minuses in all my classes. I submitted a few conference proposals, one of which was accepted. I found a new denomination that has been wonderful in affirming, embracing, and nurturing my call and my need for full inclusion and acceptance.
I made some new friends I am looking forward to growing with as this journey continues.
This past semester was, in the words of a dear friend, ‘emotionally rich.’
I have learned more than I ever expected. Some of it academic (ask me about the Hebrew Bible!) but mostly I learned a lot about myself: my radiance, my resilience, and my courage. Most importantly I have come to the realization that I may never understand how truly expansive, encompassing, and amazing God’s love is. Each time I think I have a grasp on it, each time I think I’m safe and steady, I realize that there’s more of God, more than I can ever hope to articulate, to express, or to understand. I expect that my process of discernment and exploration will, God willing, last the rest of my life. I pray that I may never be so complacent or arrogant as to think I have arrived, that I have the answers. I pray that I may be emboldened in my surrender, empowered in my openness to love, and blessed with the ability to share the magnificent grace, love, and power, the healing and the mercy I experience daily in my walk with God.
As I head into my second semester I feel like I’m ready to be stretched and surprised. Bring it on!
