Pace

I have been learning to run for the first time EVER.

I am on week six of a 12 week program to learn how to run and I’ve been surprised to discover that not only will I NOT die from running (who knew!?) but, I actually really love it.

It has become part of my self-care and of my spiritual practice.  It has been reshaping the way I understand myself, my embodied reality, my limits  and my abilities.

I have never been particularly athletic and growing up with health issues meant that I couldn’t participate in a lot of team sports or activities.  It also meant that I would be teased about it when I did try to do things, a fact that my sensitive little soul reacted to by retreating.  I have since had quite a few gym memberships and even used them regularly but never felt comfortable in my body. I would avoid eye contact or slink away from the locker room as if my body’s presence in the temple of fitness was somehow shameful or obscene.

Last year around my birthday I got myself a bicycle.  I love riding my bike.  It allowed me to experience some of the joy of falling in love with movement, with simply going!  It was a feeling I had only really had with swimming which is like prayer itself to me.

Now this experiment in running is opening me up to all kinds of possibilities.  What if, in fact, I am a fit and active person and I just never knew it? What if physical activity is not something to be ashamed of but something to relish? What if it’s okay to delight in my body and its movement, no matter its size or speed?  What if running is a new and different way for me to experience the world around me? What if it teaches me new ways to pray? What if I even end up looking forward to it!?

One of the lessons I’m learning from my adventures in running is about pace.  Because, when I say running it’s about the movement, not about the speed.  You could dash past me with a walker.  I am not fast at all.  But I am still flying!  The awesome moment in running when you are in the air is still happening, it’s just happening super slow.  And it has taken me some time to be okay with being slow.  Fortunately this running program emphasizes being slow as necessary while learning this new skill.  At first I would end up speeding up, especially around people, not wanting to seem as slow as I am.  I didn’t want to be seen as somehow incompetent at this whole running thing. But the thing I learned, and this is a huge revelation, is that you have to PACE YOURSELF! I could go fast for a quick burst of energy but then I wouldn’t have the stamina to complete my running segments.  I would feel miserable and not enjoy the rest because I would feel like maybe running IS going to kill me after all.  But when I remember to listen to my own body and go at the pace my body dictates, I enjoy my run, I SMILE while I’m doing it, even when I’m a little out of breath, even when I’m getting tired, it feels good to be moving.  I can’t go at anyone else’s pace. I can’t let my fears dictate my pace. I can’t let what others might think set my pace. I can’t let the fact that someone is passing me and they are just walking set my pace. I can’t even let my frustration at not being able to go faster set my pace.  I know how much I can push myself and if I go further it’s not good.  I had never realized that.

In life I tend to go full throttle, all out, balls to the wall and then collapse.  I have a tendency to get right to the precarious edge of burn-out before remembering to prioritize self-care and reel myself back, at which point I’m naturally going to be tired and less effective.  I tend to overcommit or multitask in ways that dilute my energy.

Pacing.

Or, I get too caught up in perfectionism and I freeze—doing nothing can be a great alternative to messing up!

Pacing myself is now a new skill I can use.

Pacing myself tells me that I need to drop one class this semester because 5 classes and a conference paper and a publication deadline and two jobs might be too much for one semester.

Pacing myself tells me that I can’t always do all the things I want to do, go to all the events I want to go to, accept all the speaking engagements extended to me… I need to pace myself so that I can ultimately hit my goals and targets and ENJOY IT!

I want to enjoy my life and this moment, this space between classes, this breath is my life. I want to enjoy it and not endure it.  I want to enjoy it and not struggle to cram more minutes into every hour. I want to enjoy it and if things don’t get done because my pace is incompatible with my deadlines, I am willing to take that risk.  I want to learn to put self-care as a spiritual practice in a place of high priority.  I need to be healthy and whole in order to serve God with my life.  I need to love myself to love my neighbor.
Running is one way I am loving myself.  Running is one of the ways I pray.

So if you see me smiling like a fool, possibly mouthing the words to some obnoxious club song, and trotting along at my happy pace, would you please offer me a blessing as you go on your way? A smile will do.